Search Me! How Did You Get Here?

OR…a look back at ways people have come to land upon this blog/website. Google Searches that brought you to me…

I am always a little bit fascinated, a little bit intrigued, and, truth be told, a little bit terrified, by the search terms that have been used to land people onto this site. It’s entertaining to see the search terms, and it’s eerie.

‘love photo i don’t like u’ – Try as I may, I cannot imagine why anyone would make this incomprehensible search in the first place. Don’t even get me started on how it could possibly relate to material on my site. I am perplexed. I wonder what page of the Google search brought the searcher to a link to my blog?

‘is it true that what ever will be will be’ – The short answer is YES. It, in fact, has to be that way. Whatever will be will definitely be. This search clearly brought someone here because I am a lover of song, and I have quoted that particular song in a post. But still? Really…my one mention of the song warranted a Google placement high enough that someone would come to ME in search of this wisdom? Wow. I’m flattered. Turns out I actually have the answer to their question. YES. It’s true.

‘fuck you, mrs musa’ – Dear Google Searcher. No, fuck you! Mrs. Musa doesn’t live here, anyway!

‘kevin craig little island’ – Unto myself, yes. Against all odds. John Donne did not know me when he said, “No man is an island, entire of itself…any man’s death diminishes me…”

‘where did george put zuzu’s petals’ – In his fucking pocket. Watch the movie, already. And end a question with a question mark. Just because you’re asking it in Google doesn’t mean you have to get lazy.

‘can i write a 10 minute play in one night?’ – Absolutely, you can. My most popular post here talk about this very topic. This Google search actually makes complete sense to me!

‘picture of what a mom would typically look like in early 1970’ – Dear Google searcher: I don’t even know your mother. How in the name of H E double hockey sticks would I know what she looked like almost 50 years ago?

‘maybe they will know your worth when you leave’ – Don’t judge me! You hardly know me.

‘don’t kick a gift horse in the mouth’ – My advice would be not to kick any type of horse in the mouth. Or any other sentient being, for that matter.

‘robin williams smile’ – This one makes me sad and happy and reminiscent all at once. It’s kind of like Mona Lisa Smile, only better. Much, much better. Think of it right this second. Doesn’t it make a smile explode onto your own face. By God, that man could smile!

‘i am. the one who dont know his problem’ – Really, Google? You suggested MY site in answer to this search. Go home, Google! You’re drunk.

‘selling balloons for a living’ – My goal in life, sweetie. I figure if Jesus can do it, so can I! Wait…no. He just sits there watching them fly. Never mind.

‘wah wah wah & charlie brown’s teacher’ – The correct nomenclature is actually, “Wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah.”

‘i’m here to kill u’ – Cue the creepy music, and my suggestion at the beginning of this post that the searches often terrify me.

‘why do we only hear the teacher in charlie brown say wah wah?’ – We actually DON’T. We hear them say, “Wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah.”

‘prose for dreams zone ahead, no honking please’ – Every once in a while I award a Golden Ticket to my favourites. The tickets get you passage to nowhere, but they’re shiny and pretty. Honk, Honk!

‘how do we know we are alive’ – Being able to perform a Google Search is a very good sign that you have not yet left this mortal coil.

‘why did joni mitchell miss woodstock’ – Because she had too much integrity to cancel on Dick Cavett and she wouldn’t make it to his show on time if she attended Woodstock. I actually wrote about this. Good job, Google!

‘kicking kevin thomas’ – I don’t even want to know!

‘words to announce a baby sale‘ – I hope to God they didn’t mean they were having a sale on BABIES. Babies are not–or shouldn’t be–on (for) sale!

‘how need to burn baby stuff’ – AGAIN, TERRIFIED!

‘i am confused darling image’ – Darling, I’m actually too confused to even provide an image.

‘it’s my 19th birthday with balloons wallpaper’ – Very random, Google. Were you just spinning the ole wheel on this one?

‘happy birthday mr.police cake’ – There’s a Mr. Police? Well, colour me surprised. Happy Birthday, Mr. Man!

‘i dont know how long i will be there’ – My God! How the heck do you think Google would know how long you’re going to be there. And I certainly have no idea what your itinerary involves. Don’t ask me!

‘the one i love understands me most’ – Okay.

‘she’s a problem’ – That’s very judge-y.

‘nick gilder is a faggot’ – This search may have made me cry a little.

‘how does the queen walk’ – With her feet. Google knows me…Google knew I would know the answer to that question!

‘what is the value of circus clown by leonard’ – Never try to estimate the value of a circus clown, especially when it is by Leonard.

‘picture yourself fulfilling your dreams’ – I’d rather picture myself in a boat on a river.

‘a morass of ennui’ – Heavy!

‘deadlines as a way of life’ – Google, do you know of my OCD tendencies?

‘kevin craig stood up’ – Many, many times, dear Google searcher…many, many times. If truth be told, too many times to count.

‘i’m dog sitting and the dog is despondent anxiety’ – Another one of those ones that made me instantly sad.

‘kevin craig canada obit’ – As Mark Twain once said–and was almost always ‘greatly’ and ‘grossly’ misquoted–upon being asked by the New York Journal to comment on rumours of his illness/death: “The report of my death was an exaggeration.”

‘sing along ooh ooh ooh’ – Believe me, Google Searcher, when I say that I am, am, am.

‘jeff buckley kind of day’ – Those are some of the best kinds of days.

‘dead superhero on the ground’ – Sometimes, Google just takes the joy out of everything. Sometimes, Google is a killer of love. Dear Searcher? Why?

‘i’m freaking out’ – We all have those days. Don’t Google it. Take a walk.

I could go on and on. There are thousands and thousands of search terms in my traffic history. Funny, sad, terrifying, on-point, accurate, bizarre, etc. Some days, it’s quite entertaining to read the terms people used to find their way to my site.

The most often searched terms for this blog? The phrasing is often different, but here’s the top 5:

1. Childhood Sexual Abuse Toronto (almost every day this search brings people to my blog–written in a thousand different phrases that mean the same thing.) It’s very disheartening to see that so many people search for this one. I’m glad that they are finding my posts on the subject and clicking the links.
2. How To Write A Ten Minute Play?
3. How Many Of You People Know You’re Alive?
4. Why Do Peanuts Adults Mumble?
5. Music Is A World Within Itself

WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?

What brings people to YOUR blog/website?