The Woman Downstairs – A Short Story

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Today, I’m going to share another short story. I wrote this one in 2019 for the NYC MIDNIGHT SHORT STORY CONTEST. My heat in round one had 3 stipulations. The genre had to be DRAMA, it had to involve PET-SITTING in some form and one of the characters had to be a FIANCEE.

I decided to write a sort of pastiche to Rear Window. Sort of.

It WON 1st Place in my Round One heat!

nyc

Here’s the feedback I received from one of the judges for THE WOMAN DOWNSTAIRS:

“The writing is top-notch, perfect for the setting. The POV character’s world of the dog and the window reminds me a bit of REAR WINDOW, and the dog is like the cast, keeping her from going out. The drama she watches and the drama she lives come together at the end.”

THEY GOT THE HOMAGE! Yay!!!

Without further ado, here is the story…

THE WOMAN DOWNSTAIRS

“Madame. Pas de cheins,” the waiter says as I sit down. He tsks and points to a sign in the window. It’s of a dog being crossed out by an angry red line. “Go, go. No dogs. S’il vous plait, laissez. Go.”

I thought I would be okay if I sat at the farthest table from the restaurant’s entrance and tied Chewy up to the outside of the fence separating the patio from the sidewalk. I quietly get up, untie Chewy’s leash and make my way along the sidewalk towards Notre-Dame.

I underestimated the strain house-sitting for Stacey would put on me. It sounded like a lovely idea at the time. How could a third-floor walk-up on Rue Saint-Louis en l’Île in Paris not be a dream come true? The apartment is mere steps from Notre-Dame Cathedral and walking distance to most other major attractions. Even with her little Yorkie included in the deal, it seemed doable. The dog-sitting was incidental, really. Paris was mine.

Robert was supposed to join me on day three so we could spend the rest of the three weeks together. We needed the little vacation prior to the chaos of our impending wedding. Two and a half weeks in Paris together sounded like perfection, a way to get back on track after our disastrous year. I wanted to show Robert the city, have some fun, and put the past behind us.

Alas, he’d have to actually show up for that to happen.

I take Chewy to the little parkette behind the cathedral and sit down at one of its many benches. It’s a perfect place to feel sorry for myself, complete with gargoyles glaring down disapprovingly from above. With no breakfast in my belly and no Robert at my side, my misery is complete.

I pick Chewy up and smother him in kisses. He rubs his face against my cheek and I’m reminded I’ve gone another day without makeup. I never go anywhere without it. I blame Robert. It’s my eighth day in Paris and I’m still alone. It’s my favorite city in the world and because of him, I’m miserable. Every day brings another excuse, another delay in his arrival.

After festering in the shadows of the cathedral for a few minutes, I place Chewy on the ground and we head back to the apartment.

Once inside, I return to Stacey’s kitchen window. The only habit I’ve picked up since my arrival has nothing to do with the city sights. I’ve become fascinated with the woman downstairs, a strange once pretty woman who wears nothing but a graying white camisole that barely conceals her morbidly obese body. Thank God she never looks up.

When I originally told Robert about Downstairs Lady, I gave her the name Fanny-Mae. I can be so cruel sometimes. Robert and I did that thing where we create fantasy worlds for the unsuspecting quirky characters we stumble upon. We give them names, spouses, children, problems and dreams. Backstory.

I played our little game over texts this time around. I couldn’t bring myself to send Robert a discreetly stolen snapshot like I usually do, though. Downstairs Lady is different. Taking her picture would somehow steal her soul, her inescapable beauty. I couldn’t insult her honor that way. When I tried to explain this to Robert, he asked if I was okay. “Are you taking your pills?” “You need to stop obsessing over this lady.”

I promised I was taking the pills I never once opened and he promised he’d soon join me in Paris. Our lies canceled each other out.

Stacey’s window looks into Downstairs Lady’s dining room window, where she’s trapped in an over-sized hospital bed in a room not designed for beds. Through her casement windows, which are left open day and night, I can make out the bottom of an ornate chandelier that hangs above her bed. Being in a circular courtyard, our windows are extremely close to each other. I can even catch whispers of conversation.

She eats relentlessly while watching black and white movies on a small TV. She leans up on one elbow and fills her face with the endless supply of food her gorgeous dark-skinned French lover brings to her bed. He’s always cooing sweet nothings in a sexy voice filled with longing. Mon petit ange, mon amour, mon tendre. I decided to call him Henri. I melt each time Henri enters the little vignette the window allows me, or opens his mouth to coo. What must it be like to have his kind of love? I adore how she owns it and how she unapologetically lounges about, erotically certain of her powers. She could lead a revolution. This is why I changed her name to Belle days ago.

I fill Robert in on Belle’s daily food consumption, while I myself forget to eat. I only break my vigil at the window long enough to drag Chewy throughout the streets of this little island. And I speak only when Chewy’s neighborhood fans stop us in the street to worship his undeniable cuteness.

Robert assesses me with each text I send, evaluates my mental state with each of our infrequent calls. I know I’m slipping, but can’t stop it. I struggle between over-exaggerating my fall and disguising its depths. Which side of the scale will bring him to me quicker and which will push him away?

The constant silence reminds me I’m shutting down. Robert calls this Phase One. “I know it’s bad when you stop talking.” I’ve been startled by the sound of my own voice lately, after going hours at a time without hearing it at all. He suggests bike rides and jogging as possible remedies, but this would be a moot point if he would simply join me in Paris. That would solve everything. I think.

***

“Hello?” I say into my cell as I struggle to gain my bearings. My screen reads five-thirty a.m.? He’s done it again. My twelfth day in Paris and he still can’t get the time zones right. “Robert? It’s not that difficult. You’re six hours behind.”

“Emma, I’m sorry,” he says. He sounds overly animated, like he’s been drinking. “I forgot.”

“Why are you awake? It’s…” I do the math. “It’s almost midnight there. You’re never up this late when you’re working.” There’s a din of muffled voices and laughter about him, accompanied by the pounding bass of dance music. “Where are you?”

“Sorry, baby,” he slurs. “I miss you.”

“Robert, hang up. That’s so rude,” says an unfamiliar woman’s voice in the background. There’s a rustle as his phone is jostled.

“Robert,” I say, now fully awake and sitting up. Chewy eyes me with suspicion from the foot of the bed. “Who’s there? Where are you?”

“Just out for drinks with a few guys from the office, Em. Crazy day. We needed a reprieve.”

“Robbie, come back to the party. I’ll smash that phone if you don’t hang—”

The ambient noise cuts off, along with my connection to Robert. I place my cell back on its charger and try not to think about what just transpired, try not to think about his cheating or how it led me to my last breakdown.

My head drops onto my pillow and I turn away from the glaring moonlight streaming in through the un-curtained windows. I need more sleep but within minutes Chewy is in my face, licking and whining. He’s been awakened too early and won’t be appeased until he does his business.

Once dressed, I carry Chewy down the spiral staircase to the ground floor. I forego the inner courtyard for an opportunity to explore the wakening city. We make our way through the alleyway that leads to the narrow street and I wrestle with the large creaky door that separates the two worlds.

Finally, something I can love the way Henri obviously loves Belle. Paris. In my gloom, I’ve forgotten how enchanting Rue Saint-Louis can be, and how it comes slowly to life in the mornings. The street cleaners make their way up the sidewalks, spraying down everything in their wake to wash away yesterday’s layers of grime. Tiny delivery trucks crawl up the roadway, dropping off goods to the local stores before the impossibly narrow street becomes too congested for them. Shop doors open and entryways are swept clean.

Chewy offers a few reticent yelps to the street’s interlopers while I attempt to push Robert’s phone call from my mind. His past cheating fills my head and my heart begins to race with the panic of a new certainty. He’s doing it again.

We walk towards the cathedral and make a left at the next footbridge in order to head down for a walk along the Seine. The sky plums above us and I decide we should see the sunrise, now that we’re out in its beginnings. My beautiful Paris.

As I descend the stairs to the path along the river, my cell goes off again. I look at the display. Round Two.

“I’m sorry,” Robert says. “I know how that probably sounded. I’m home now and ready for bed. I don’t want you to think—”

“What am I supposed to think, Robert?” I try to sound level, but it’s impossible. “That history doesn’t have a way of repeating itself?”

“It’s not what you think,” he says, panic slipping into his voice. Panic, with a side of irritation. “You have to trust me. This isn’t fair.”

Come, goddammit,” I say. “If you want to prove something to me, put me first. Put everything else aside and join me in Paris like we planned.”

“I can’t, Emma,” he says. “It’s not that easy. It’s such a bad time here. We can’t seem to get ahead of—”

“Liar. It didn’t sound like you were having a bad time when you woke me up earlier. Were you at the Black Stallion again? Getting your fill?”

“Jesus, Em. Between your paranoia with my imaginary flings and this woman you’re obsessing over in the window, you have no room for anything else. You’re slipping again. Why would I want to join you there just to hear more of this? We can trade insults over the phone.”

“Imaginary flings? Really?” I ask. I stop walking. Chewy glances up at me with what looks like concern. I take a seat at a nearby bench and Chewy settles in at my feet. “Cheryl was not a figment of my imagination, Robert. Why are you doing this? I’m your fiancée. We’re getting married in two months. Please put your ‘work’ aside for one hot minute and come? It’s Paris, for God’s sake. No one should need to be convinced to come to Paris.”

The inflection I place on the word work has the desired effect. He runs with it.

“Stop accusing me of cheating. It was one time. I’ve apologized. I can’t do anything else to prove my dedication to—”

I disconnect, put my phone on silent and slip it into my purse. The sun has somehow risen without me noticing. I get up and make my way back to the apartment with Chewy. It’s almost time for Belle to begin her day. I love the way Henri interacts with her. It reminds me that love and tenderness still exist in the world. Perhaps their intimacy had something to do with me renaming her Belle. She is loved and beautiful to him.

This woman won’t leave my head. I can’t believe Stacey never mentioned her. There’s heartache and happiness happening right outside her window and she’s never once mentioned it to me. Perhaps she hoards it as her own little secret proof that beauty exists.

***

Chewy stirs me from my sleep with a low grade constant growl, a sound I haven’t heard in all of our two weeks together. There’s a ruckus in the courtyard below my open window and it’s lit like a fairground down there, enough to fill my room with a soft glow.

I scoop Chewy up and move to the window. The courtyard is filled with firemen, police, and EMTs. They make frantic gestures and speak in super-fast French I wouldn’t even be able to comprehend if I had polished up on my high school French prior to coming to France. The scene is chaotic and their conversation is in a state of escalation. I think of Belle and bring my gaze back up to her window.

More EMTs and firemen. My heart sinks. This can’t be. She’s hidden behind the swarm squeezed about her inside the tiny room. Some work on her as others look around the room and out the window to the crowd of first responders gathered below. They all appear helpless, lost.

Henri storms into the room, desperate, hands flailing. I can hear snips and bits of his words. Enough to feel his love on fire. Through tears, he tells them she is beautiful, asks them to be gentle and tells them she is loved. This much French I can piece together from the little I know.

Chewy’s urgent barks cause all heads to turn in my direction and I’m finally discovered. I scurry away from the window, humiliated, and prepare to take Chewy outside. Making my way through the commotion of the courtyard, I have to walk past the first responders who only moments ago caught me ogling. The sting of my humiliation heats my cheeks. I’m relieved to escape to the street, even though I’m terrified for Belle and desperately want to know what’s happened.

I walk for hours, barely able to keep myself together. Chewy steals glances my way, silently pleading with me to end our walk and take him home. But I can’t go back. I don’t want to know.

My cell rings. Despite seeing Robert’s name on my screen, I answer it.

“Emma?”

“I can’t do this, Robert.”

“I’m at the airport, Em. I came. I’m in Paris. I just landed.”

Now he comes?

“I think she might be dead,” I say, ignoring his statement.

He sighs and I know Henri would never be this exasperated with Belle. He’d have endless patience. “I’m on my way. Okay?”

“I can’t go back there. I can’t see that bed empty.” My words stop me in my tracks and niggle at my mind. They ignite something inside me, but I can’t quite grasp what it is. I bend to pick up Chewy and realize how spent he is. His panting fuels my guilt.

Frozen amid the busy sidewalk, I cuddle Chewy for dear life as the true meaning of my words sharpen into focus. Robert is the there I can’t go back to. Our empty bed is the one I can’t bear to see again. Our time apart has clarified what I knew all along.

“Tell me where you are. I’ll find you.”

“No,” I say. “I’m in Paris. You can’t have it. Paris is mine.” He groans in palpable frustration. But I finally realize it’s too late for us. “Goodbye, Robert.”

I shut down my phone to remove his ability to argue. With Chewy in my arms, I run all the way back to Rue Saint-Louis. I need to know.

THE END

 

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This is Me in Grade Nine – A Short Story

Hello readers!

I’m sharing a short story today that originally appeared in an anthology called LOVE IS LOVE. All proceeds from the anthology went to the Trevor Project. I was so honoured to be asked to contribute to it.

My story, THIS IS ME IN GRADE NINE, is the story of a transitioning teen’s preparation for and first moments of grade nine.

You can read the short story below…

(Book cover photo courtesy of Emma Eden Ramos.)

THIS IS ME IN GRADE NINE – by Kevin Craig

The first day is always the worst day. My brother Dillon told me this, but I already had my suspicions. I’m kind of good at coming to conclusions on my own. The first day is the day you’re forced to let go of all the confidence and royalty you gained in being in the highest grade in elementary school. Eighth Grade rules. In grade nine, however, you start all over again at the bottom. Grade nine is the kindergarten of high school. I’m the new kid again, stripped of the glory of my former elementary school standing. Minor-Niner.

I blindly reach for my phone with my eyes closed. After a failed swipe to turn off my alarm, I give up and open my eyes. I need to shut off the noise. I set it twenty minutes ahead. Last night’s me knew I would need a few minutes in bed to contemplate the hugeness of this day. The first day of the rest of my life.

I told my parents when I was ten. I thought they’d be okay with it. They even mostly convinced me they were okay with it. Until Dad came up with the plan for me to fake it until I was older. He thought it would be best if I didn’t rock the boat.

I’m pretty sure he was talking more about his boat than mine.

I don’t really blame him. (Yes I do). He was only trying to protect me. (Protect himself).

Today is the day. I worked up to this all summer. Mom’s on board and Dad pretends to be. I can see him coming apart at the seams, though. I sometimes imagine how difficult it must be for him. The least I can do is cut him some slack. I know he’s trying. I know he loves me.

He did allow me to redo my bedroom almost right away. My ten-year-old self went to town on Barbie pink decor. Something I have slightly regretted ever since. But what ten-year-old doesn’t see pink as the exact opposite of boy? Dad was also okay with me making subtle changes along the way, like growing my hair out. But there has always been the public me and the private family me. He’s been very protective of that barrier, even though it’s been eroding the entire time. I watched it slip away between his fingers. But I won’t feel bad for him. This isn’t about him.

Mom’s my rock. Our shopping trips to the city were the best part of my summer. If it makes me pathetic to enjoy shopping with my mother, oh well. Mom gets me. She even seems to know the kind of girl I want to be. By the end of the summer, I even let her choose the outfits while I stood in the change-room pacing back and forth waiting for the next dress or sweater or tights to come swinging up over the door-frame of the stall. It was a summer of preparation and today is the day we prepared for…it’s here.

My first official day.

I glance over to the hook on the back of my bedroom door and see the outfit I picked out for today. The clothes I’ll wear to meet the student body of Hubert B Larson Secondary School. A butter yellow blouse with exaggerated double-bell sleeves and jeans with slight bedazzled embellishments on the pockets. Not a dress, not yet.

I imagine myself in the swishy blouse with the fun sleeves. I’m utterly in love with those sleeves. Before I drag myself out of bed, though, there’s a soft knock on my door. I pull the duvet over my head, but say, “Come in.”

I hear the door open and sense someone approach. They sit down gently on the side of the bed.

I pull back the covers, expecting it to be Mom. Seems like an excellent time for a Mom Talk. But it’s Dillon. His back is to me. I can tell he’s ready for school. He smells of Axe spray and cleanliness. And his dirty blonde skater hair is perfection, as usual.

Without turning around, he says, “You know I’m here for you, right.”

I don’t answer. He’s not finished. There wasn’t quite enough of a question to his question.

Whatever you want or need, you come see me. I don’t care if I’m in class, in gym, with friends, in the can, or whatever. You come see me, Kristy. You got me?” His resolve almost comes across as anger, but I know better. It’s fierce sibling loyalty. Fierce loyalty, period.

The way he slipped my name in there—just like that—brings a tear to my eye. I swipe at it and take a deep breath. I remain quiet. Maybe this is my Mom Talk. Maybe Mom sent in Dill to pinch-hit for her.

Remember that day in Paris. The summer before I started high school? Three years ago. Wow. Time flies, Kristy. I was so scared. I even thought about running away. In Paris, I thought about running away to avoid high school. How crazy is that?”

I sit up. It’s time for me to enter this conversation. I swing my legs over the other side of the bed and come around and stand in front of him in my Wonder Woman pajamas. He offers up that amazing Dill smile he has. I smile back.

You did run away, loser,” I say as I sit down beside him. A little laugh escapes me and Dillon chuckles in return. “You texted my cell when I was with Mom and Dad in Shakespeare & Company. Mom couldn’t get Dad to leave the upstairs part, where all the dusty old books are. The ones you can look at but not buy. You texted that you loved me and told me, keep being you.”

Yeah. I’m such a loser. You’re right.”

Because Dad made us all share our locations on Google in case someone got lost and because you were too stupid to turn your share off before you texted, I knew exactly where you were.”

And you came across the river to talk me down from the ledge,” Dillon says. He puts an arm around my shoulder and looks me in the eye. “And everything turned out okay. I survived Grade Nine. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be.”

You do know there’s more to it with me, though, right?” I ask. “I mean, it’s not the same.”

You think I don’t know that?” Dillon says with exaggerated annoyance. “Come on. I just mean, you know…”

I get it, Dill. Really. Grade nine is scary. But honestly, I’m not even thinking about that right now. I know I’ve been preparing for this for forever, but it doesn’t make it any less scary. Today, I’m becoming myself. It just so happens I’m doing it on the first day of Grade Nine.”

“No,” he says. Now he holds both of my cheeks in a too-tight grip. He gives me his laser Dillon eyes. “You’ve always been who you are. You have to remember that part, Kristy. Dad was wrong to make you wait. You’ve always been you.”

Yeah, I know, Dill,” I say. “Thank you.”

I’m here. That’s all I want you to know. I know you didn’t text me or nothing. You weren’t throwing out a life-line hoping I would save you from yourself. That’s because you’re way braver than I ever was. You’d never run away. But I’m here. I need you to know that. If you ever need talking down from the ledge, I’m your man. We got this. Together.”

Though he’s holding my cheeks in a death grip, I break free and hug him. For a big brother, he’s pretty great.

After a moment, I let go.

Okay,” I say. “That was nice and all, loser, but I have to get ready for school. This magic isn’t going to happen all by itself, you know.”

Yeah, yeah,” Dills says. “See you downstairs, sis.”

The sis comment hits me in the feels in a way I don’t expect, so I usher Dillon out of my room as quick as I can. I will not cry, I will not cry.

That top is waiting for me. I can’t wait to have those sleeves to shake around. First, however? Shower, hair, and make-up.

***

Four. That’s how many kids from my Grade Eight class are going to the same high school as me. All four of them, along with their parents, came over to our house this past long weekend. Mom orchestrated the meeting. I have no idea what she said to get them to come. My preparation was her summer project. This was The Summer of Becoming Kristy Mason. Mom thought of everything. Even one-on-one make-up application classes. I didn’t even know they existed.

Titan Banks, Emily Jackson, Rob Denison, and Sarah Parker. I have never walked in their circles. Sure, we had classes together. We know each other fine. We just never hung out together. I wondered what it would be like to be Emily’s friend. I’ve had a crush on Titan Banks since the first day of kindergarten when he shared a red plastic boat with me at the water station. He was really nice about it. That gesture was enough to cement a life-long attraction that will never go anywhere. We have ricocheted noiselessly in and out of each other’s orbits ever since.

Emily and Titan are going to Larson Secondary because they’re moving across town. The other two are probably going there for the same reason as me…a fresh start. If anyone needs to reinvent themselves, it’s Sarah Parker. Kids can be so mean when they weaponize social media. Sarah explored the Grade Eight boys of Piedmont Elementary a little too freely and she has seriously paid for it over the past year.

Everyone seemed okay with Mom’s announcement, initially. They were polite and smiled at all the right places. They attempted airs of casualness. Everyone but Rob, that is. His mouth hung open from the second he set eyes on me. The mere presence of my clothes, hair and make-up was clearly more than he could bear. But the façade the others had managed to momentarily hold onto slowly began to show cracks. It was Emily who finally broke the spell.

I mean, it’s cool and everything,” she had said. “But you’re crazy if you think for one minute I’m going to call him Kristy. His name’s Chris.”

The hardest part of hearing that statement had nothing to do with her intentional misgendering or the way it made me feel. What broke my heart was the way her words completely and utterly deflated Mom. I watched as her carefully maintained smile drooped at the corners and then faded completely away. It was immediately replaced with a pained expression that made me want to punch Emily in the throat. I think Mom finally realized, in that moment, how difficult this new reality was going to be. Not only for me, but for all of us.

How could she not have known?

After a moment of silence where my entire family buried their well-intentioned hopes that everything would run smoothly, my father brought the conversation back to life.

Yes, well…” That was all he had. The extent of his contribution.

Emily, dear,” her mother had said, clearly feigning outrage with her daughter. She then turned to Mom and said, “I’m so sorry. This must be so difficult for you. I’ll talk to Emily. I’ll make sure she calls him—“

Her! Calls her,” Dillon had said, the sheer volume of his voice made me jump. Dillon got up from where he sat, came within an inch of my face, grabbed my cheeks and said, “You’re my sister. You’re a she. Do you hear me? I don’t want you to hear any of the bullshit. Don’t listen to it. Do you understand?” His eyes bore into mine and I could see he was waiting for me to actually answer his question.

Yes,” I had said, feeling the tears forming but pleading with them not to fall.

You’re wrong,” Mom finally said, turning to Mrs. Jackson. “It’s not difficult for me. This,” she continued, waving a hand to encompass me, “This is not difficult for me. My daughter is not difficult. Accepting her and loving her has never been difficult. The only thing that is difficult for me right now is that I counted on the kindness of strangers and hoped for some understanding. It’s difficult to see how much I misjudged this.”

It was nice of you all to invite us over to discuss this…situation,” Titan’s father said, ignoring the flow of the conversation. “But really. This doesn’t involve us. We have no reason to force our kids to help you in whatever it is you want their help in. They went to the same school as him. They don’t owe him anything. If we’re done here, I think we’ll head out. I’m sure the rest of you have better things to do with our Labour Day Saturday. I know I do. Come on, Titan. We’re leaving.”

Dad,” Titan had said. “No. Don’t be a douche.” He had turned to Mom and offered her a slight smile. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Mason. I’ll look out for Kristy at Larson. I’ll look out for her. I promise.”

I’m sure Titan wasn’t expecting the smothering hug he received from Mom, but he allowed it to happen all the same.

Thank you so much, Titan,” Mom had said. She even tousled his perfectly messy black mop of hair.

No problem,” Titan had said. His perfect smile quickly faded to a menacing dirty look as he glanced over at Emily. Once he was certain the look had hit its mark and Emily had recoiled herself away from it with a flinch, Titan had turned to me and my brother. “See you at school, Kristy. You look great.”

Sitting here at the breakfast bar, eating a banana with my dry Cheerios, I can feel my cheeks burn with the memory of that compliment. Dillon had made a huge point of thanking Titan. He had been the only truly supportive person in the entire group. After that, everyone decided en masse that the meeting was over. They made an exodus to the front door. There were promises and apologies and awkward goodbyes and it was over.

I finish my cereal and bring the bowl to the sink. Seeing my arms move in my double-bell sleeves makes me lighter. Seeing Friday’s manicure on my outstretched fingers as I toss my banana peel into the compost gives me power. Another thing Mom and I did together over the weekend. Matching manicures. And I somehow made mine last.

Sweetie,” Mom says as she comes up behind me. “You look so beautiful. Did you eat enough? You have your cell phone? You sure you don’t want me to drive you? I’m sorry Daddy’s not here. He had to go in early for a meeting. He told me to tell you—”

Mom, stop. Slow down. Please.”

I’m sorry, dear. I’m just nervous.”

I place a hand on her shoulder and make her look me in the eye. “It’s the first day of high school, Mom. I’m not going off to war.”

After this weekend, I’m not so sure that’s true,” she says. “What if everyone is like those people?”

Mom, please,” I say. “It’ll be fine. You don’t have to drive me. Dillon said he would. He’s going there anyway, right. I’ll be okay. I promise. You know Dill.”

I honestly don’t know what I would do without him, sweetie.”

Yeah, well. Me too.”

I’m glad Dill and I had our conversation earlier. I’m guessing he’s gonna be a bit all-over-the-place during the ride to school. If Mom’s any indication.

Please don’t be angry with your father, Kristy. He’s trying. He’s doing his be—”

Mom, no,” Dillon says as he comes down the stairs. “Don’t put this on her. Don’t tell her how to feel. And don’t protect him. He’s doing shit.”

Language. And he is trying. I promise you, he’s trying.”

Mom,” Dillon says. “There is no trying. Don’t you get it? He shouldn’t have to try. Are you trying? No. You’re just doing. Don’t stick up for him. He has work to do and we all know it.”

Just…it’s okay, Dill. Could we just go?” I make my way to the front door, grab my school bag and purse. “I’m ready. Let’s go.”

I’m not the least bit ready, but I’m more not ready for this conversation than I’m not ready for school. The closer I get to who I am the farther away from Dad I become and it’s really freaking me out.

Mom catches up to me as I reach the door. I find myself smothered in a last minute hug I’m not sure I’ll survive.

Baby, I hope I did everything right. I did, right? I did everything right?” She mumbles into my neck, choking back sobs as she speaks. “I just want my girl to be happy. I don’t know how to protect you. I can’t protect you if I’m not there.”

Dillon steps in to save me, prying Mom away from me. It’s taking everything in me not to break down and join her. And Dillon can see how close I am.

We love you, Mom. I’ll text you later. Kristy’s golden. Okay. We got this.”

We escape to the car. I am mere moments away from high school. Surprisingly, we drive in silence for the most part. We’re about three minutes away from school when we simultaneously burst into laughter. I look over and Dillon has his head back and his mouth open and he’s totally lost in it for a split second that seems to last forever. As he looks back at the road, he says, “She’s your mother.” This only makes us laugh harder.

We pull into the parking lot and it gets real. I can’t do this. After Dill parks, he gets out and runs around to my side of the car. When he opens the door for me, I say the first thing that comes to mind. “Loser.”

I know, right,” he says, chuckling. “Who the hell am I?”

Chivalry is alive and well and living inside the zombie that invaded my big brother’s body.”

I deserved that,” he says. “Let’s go.”

Dillon heads toward the school, feigning a casualness I can see right through. My protector. He’s having last minute nerves. I catch up and we turn the corner to the front of the school together. I’d have to be blind to miss the looks I get as we proceed, the whispers, the nods, the gasps. I think Dill can hear them too, though I’m not certain.

Oh,” Dillon says, surprise in his tone. We’re walking up the front steps and I look around to see what caused his shock. Titan Banks leans against the building, just off to the side of the entrance. He doesn’t see us. His head is buried in his phone and there’s a smile on his face. It kind of erases some of the effects of the other crap that’s happening around me.

He finally looks away from his screen and the smile becomes more.

Dillon gets to him first. “Thanks, bro,” Dill says. “You’re kind of awesome. Thank you.”

Hey, Dillon,” Titan says. They actually bump fists. It’s weird.

Dillon moves towards the entrance after a moment’s hesitation. He turns back and gives me his Dill smile one last time. “Remember Paris,” he says.

Loser,” I reply. We share a look that is everything I need in this moment. It tells me he’ll be there for me at a second’s notice, that he’s just a text away.

I’m sorry for my Dad,” Titan says once we’re alone. “He’s a bit of a prick.”

I’m mostly sorry for mine, too. But we shouldn’t apologize for other people.”

Come on, Kristy,” he says, leaving our fathers in the dust. “I’ll show you where your locker is.”

Huh,” I say, ignoring the whispers about us. “How would you even know?”

He puts a hand out. “Come on.” I’m nervous at first, afraid to reach out for the offered hand. “I talked to the office. Arranged it. Made sure our lockers are together. Side by side.”

I didn’t know you could do that.”

That’s why we need to be friends. There’s lots you don’t know about me. I get things done.”

The fear’s still there. The uncertainty bubbles just under the surface. But I’ve been waiting my whole life for this. We enter the building. All it takes is one more plea and I accept Titan’s hand, allow him to walk me to my locker. I catch our reflection in a trophy cabinet along the way. This is me. Finally. I look down at these amazing sleeves, the color of sunshine, and I realize I made it. This is me in Grade Nine. Kristy Mason. I’ve waited so long for this.

THE END

The Light Here Makes it Real

A short story set in, surprise, Paris.

The Light Here Makes it Real

They talk about the light here as though it were some great shakes,” Reeny says. “The light in Paris. The light in Paris.”

She takes a sip of her latte and lets the cup drop noisily back onto its saucer. “But they never mention the rats, do they? Not when Ted and I lived here. Not in the brochures, not in the movies I’ve seen, and not in the books I’ve read. Not a goddamned rat among the lot of them. Not one. Cripes.”

You can find all the bad bits if you look hard enough, Reen,” I say. “But are the rats really bothering you? They’re just wandering about the shrubbery, going about their business. Don’t look. Ignore them.”

I know my reply doesn’t help, but Reeny is exhausting at the best of times. She gave up on Paris before we even reached our taxi at the airport two days ago. She’ll never see its beauty. Not again, anyway. Not after Ted. “Every city in the world has its bad bits, Reeny. But if you squint, they disappear. That’s when the light gets in.”

Christ, Annie,” she spits. “You sound like a brochure. Are they paying you to say this crap?” She swipes at a tear and sighs. As usual, she’s unwavering in her ability to hold onto negativity and sadness. In Reeny’s eyes, it would be wasteful to abandon these anchors that keep pulling her back down into the abyss. They’re character building, and she’s under reconstruction.

I can see Notre-Dame Cathedral from where I sit here on the corner of Rue Saint-Louis en L’ile and Rue Jean du Bellay. It sits just beyond the little bridge. We’re at the same cafe table where we began our day yesterday. Croissants, latte, orange juice and biscuits. Reeny will probably have the same breakfast every morning. She does not stray far from what she immediately becomes comfortable and familiar with.

I’ll give her today, but come tomorrow I will order on my own. I will choose whatever strikes my fancy on the menu and I’ll ignore the raised eyebrow of consternation she delivers. We’re on vacation. I will not conform to her demands here. Not in Paris, of all places. Paris is a feast and I shall partake, come what may.

Who flies a goddamned kite in the city, anyway?” Reeny says, seemingly out of the blue. It takes me a moment to locate her point of reference. A crimson red dragon with an impossibly long tail floats above the buildings in the narrow streets across from the cathedral.

It’s lovely,” I say, smiling at the whimsy of the dragon as it dances in the clear blue morning sky.

They’re asking for trouble,” she says, looking at it scornfully. “It’ll get stuck in the trees, or wrapped around a pole. The string’s bound to be cut. They’ll lose it forever. The end.”

My heavens, Reeny,” I say. I take the last swill of my orange juice and wipe my mouth with my white linen napkin. “You’re being so negative. We’re in Paris. We should try to enjoy our time here.”

I’ve never been accused of being negative before,” she says. I guffaw, but immediately regret it.

What?” she asks, astounded that I would be amused by her statement. “What did I say?”

Reeny Persaud, come on now. I’ve known you since grade school and I have called you out on your negativity for a good forty years now. Negativity is at your very foundation. It’s the very core of you.”

She begins to pout but can’t keep a straight face for long. A smile begins to form on the outskirts of her mouth and she gives in and allows it to blossom. I return the smile and add a wink.

Ooh. You make me so angry, Annie. Why are you the only one who can manipulate my emotions like this? I want to bask in my misery. God, I hate you sometimes.” She laughs.

Come on,” I say, tossing my napkin at her. “We’re done here. We’ve wasted enough time on breakfast, if that’s what you want to call it. Let’s get out into this beautiful day before it’s gone. A day in Paris is worth a week anywhere else in the world.”

I question your math, but okay. Please remember, though. I’m in mourning. I’m allowed to be moody. I’m allowed to wallow. Please don’t take that away from me.”

Understood,” I say as I rise from the table and leave a couple Euro under my saucer for a tip. “But I’ll not have you disparaging innocent kites and wishing them dead. I’ll call you out every time you try to kill a kite, my friend. Their only crimes are dancing in the wind and looking pretty.”

Stop being so bubbly,” Reeny says. She looks down at the table and then back at me. “You do know you’re not supposed to tip in Europe, don’t you?”

I’m sure the money will assuage their contempt at my breach in etiquette. Let’s go, Reen. It’s looking very much like a Montmartre kind of day.”

***

We take the Metro to Abbesses Station. I hope I’m right in assuming Reeny and Ted didn’t spend a lot of time in Montmartre while they lived here. I’m trying not to pour more salt on the wounds I opened up for Reeny yesterday by taking her to Luxembourg Gardens and the Tuileries. These places meant far too much to her and Ted. They carry too many memories. My hope is that Montmartre is safer ground to cover.

As we climb up out of the underground, Reeny confirms my suspicions. She looks around as we climb the steps to street level. Her smile is a good sign.

Believe it or not, I haven’t been back here since our senior year class trip,” she says. She points to the sign above the steps that reads Metropolitain. “Remember when Rob Kenner tossed Cheryl Demsey’s sweater up over that sign?”

I do. It was hilarious until we all realized nobody could reach it. My God, Ms. Dubois was furious. ‘Merde, merde!’

I learned a couple French curses that day,” Reeny says. “Thank God for the horrendous clown on stilts who took pity on us and saved Cheryl’s sweater. With her theatrics, it was almost an international incident.”

Ha,” I say. “Absolutely.”

So what exactly are we doing in Montmartre, anyway?”

Well,” I say as I lead her off in the right direction. “I thought we’d begin with Sacré-Cœur and end up somewhere near that pretty pink restaurant and stop there for something to eat. It’s such a lovely place.”

La Maison Rose. Ooh. It’s been a while since I was a tourist in Paris. I always wanted to dine at La Maison Rose. We only got to walk past it with the class.”

That’s the spirit, baby girl,” I say. I can feel my shoulders relax a little and I realize just how tense with worry my whole body had been. I’m relieved she’s gradually stepping into this day willingly. Perhaps things are looking up. “It’s a ten minute walk. We’ll be there in no time.”

We walk in silence for several minutes, quickly finding a pace that works for both of us. She slows down a bit and I speed up as much as my bad knee will allow.

I just realized we’ll be looking down at the city once we get to the cathedral. We’ll see everything spread out before us.”

That’s kind of the point, sweetie,” I say. I turn to look at her and catch her swiping tears from her eyes. I rest a supportive hand on her shoulder, but say nothing more.

It’s just…It’s our city. It’ll always be our city. I’m not sure it was a good idea to come back so soon after…”

She trails off, but she doesn’t need to finish for me to know what she was going to say. So soon after cancer, after death, after loss. Perhaps this entire trip was ill-planned. I just thought that being in the place she loved the most in all the world would somehow bring her closer to Ted, while at the same time miraculously helping her to let go. I’m a bad friend.

We continue to walk in the direction of the cathedral. She manages this mini breakdown while walking, at least.

Sweetie,” I say, “I know it’s hard. Remember, I’ve been through this kind of loss with Steven. I know what you’re going through. And I know it takes a long time to find a new normal. Believe me when I say I understand. You still wake up wanting him in your life so badly, you think about staying in bed and giving up. I get it, I really do. It’s been eleven months. I just thought seeing these places would make you feel closer to him. I’m sorry. I thought Paris would be difficult, of course. But I also thought it would give you some sort of peace. I thought you would feel his presence here, in a good way.”

I do, Annie, I do,” she says. She’s trying. “Ted’s definitely everywhere here. We spent three whole years living in Paris together. It changed us. Of course I see him in every shop, on every corner. But I’m grateful we’re doing this. I, just…I can’t believe it’s been almost a year. I remember when he first got sick, how I couldn’t imagine living my life without him. I do get that you know how it feels. Being here is just so overwhelming. It’s bringing back a past reality that no longer exists.”

We’re almost there,” I say. I guide Reeny across a narrow street and point off into the distance. “We can turn up this street, I believe, and come up on the church from the back end.”

She allows herself to be led, allows me to take her hand and lead the way.

It’s overwhelming,” she repeats.

I know. Maybe it’s good that we’re here. Maybe the places in which you find him will help you in some small way.”

Maybe,” Reeny says. We look at each other. Her eyes are damp and I feel helpless. Hopeless. “How do you feel about Montreal, Annie?”

That’s not fair, Reeny.”

I don’t mean it in a bad way, sweetie. This is not a competition on mourning. But it’s hard for you to go to Montreal, is it not?”

Absolutely. But I also love seeing the patio where Steven spilled the plate of spaghetti and meatballs down the front of his white button-up. Or the place where my heel snapped off between two cobbles and Steven helped me hobble to the closest shop to buy flats. I love smelling that particular sweet pungency of the Quartier Latin, and how nowhere else in the world smells the same. I love the way—”

Okay, okay,” Reeny says. She laughs and it sounds as lovely as Paris rain. “I get it. And, yes, I feel the same way. Why, the only reason I attacked that kite earlier was because I had a momentary tinge of happiness remembering a kiss Ted and I shared on that bridge by Notre-Dame. You know the one, where they have all those ridiculously infuriating love locks now.”

Reeny Persaud, you take that back. They’re not ridiculous. Love is not ridiculous, especially in Paris. L’amour n’est pas ridicule. Did I get that right? Just, how dare you! Those locks are precious.”

Okay, okay. You’re really keeping me on a short leash today. Precious, indeed. But that kiss, that day. It was perfection, Annie. We spent hours upstairs at Shakespeare and Company. You’re only allowed to read the books up there, you know. Ted found one that enthralled him. We sat on one of those horrid little benches that, if you patted it, the dust motes would rise and fill the air. It was wondrous.”

I guide her past the final turn and the back of the cathedral looms before us. I slow our pace, because it’s good that she’s talking, remembering, reliving.

I leaned into his shoulder and daydreamed about nothing while he sat reading, turning pages like it was a marathon he wanted to win. And after, we were crossing the Seine and stopped in the middle of that bridge to take it all in. Like we were tourists in love with the light. Like we hadn’t lived in the neighbourhood for two years already.

Paris is like that. You go about your daily life, forgetting its beauty. You just live. Then one day you see it, you sigh and think to yourself, Mon Dieu. C’est trop belle. My God. It’s too beautiful.

We stop walking and face each other. We both smile, but Reeny’s expression holds a pain so deep it wounds me.

Yes,” I finally say. It comes out as a whisper. I move to wipe a tear from Reeny’s eye and she allows me to do so.

Look at me,” she says, laughing. “I’m a mess.”

This is a good mess, Reen.”

The thing is, it’s never too beautiful. Beauty hurts because it’s supposed to hurt. But it’s a good hurt. A hurt that brings deeper love.”

She’s lost her train of thought. She attempts to find the thread while I think of the kite and hope it made it through the morning intact. Reeny will find her way back, if I give her enough time. We begin to walk alongside the cathedral. As we approach the vista at the front that opens up onto the entire city of Paris, she lets out a deep breath.

The thing about that day, Annie,” she begins as we continue onward. “On that particular day, we sighed at the same time. We both fell in love with the beauty of the city at the same precise moment. Ted turned to me and he said exactly what I was thinking. He said, ‘The light here makes it real.’”

I put my arm around her as we stop at the top of the stairs and prepare to turn our gaze onto the city below.

He was talking about the city, yes,” Reeny says. “But he was also talking about us, about our love, our life, our world. We kissed. By then I already knew I’d love him forever. But that day, the way we fell into sync so perfectly. The way the city re-bloomed for us. The way the light hit the Seine, and the cathedral, and the trees. That was my one perfect moment. You only get one.”

And I’m sure it was his too,” I say, because I don’t know what else to say. I know she’s avoided looking at the panoramic view so far. “Ready to see this?”

I take her hand in mine and squeeze. We smile at each other and she shrugs. We turn to take in the city. Reeny looks at it for several minutes in silence before turning back to face me. Tears course down her cheeks.

That’s the thing about Paris, Annie,” she says. Her sides hitch as she attempts to keep her composure long enough to complete her thought. “The light here. It makes everything real.”

THE END