The title says it all. I just spent the last 9 years or so repeatedly kicking a gift horse. In the mouth.
Why would I do such a thing? I can think of a zillion words that describe my writing journey. And knowing that each one somehow belongs to me makes me feel more than a little ashamed of myself. Let’s give it a go, shall we: apathetic, detached, indifferent, remote, withdrawn, lackadaisical. I think you get the picture. BUT…there’s a big but. The actual BIC writing time—I am always serious, always attempting to do my best. I don’t slouch when it comes to the writing. That’s the part that allows me to escape. I have always honoured it as much as I could.
But, ACK, the business end. The getting things done end. I’ve been so weak. So nonchalant. Ooh, there’s another good word I must claim. No more, though. I’ve come to a point in my writing life where I feel I have to force myself to connect, to stop detaching. To own my writing and respect it…to see where it will go beyond me. The first couple of novels I wrote…I’d get some kind of extreme pleasure deleting them. It was the writing I longed for, not the result. It took a long time for the result to mean anything. It just felt like I was done, once I got the story out.
With two books published, I’m finding a small bit of confidence I never in a million years imagined I would have. With seven or eight more finished novels on my PC, I have come to a point where I feel I should stop kicking that horse. I need to take this more seriously. I need to edit, revise, respect—those manuscripts can sit there rotting, or I can give them the time they deserve and clean them up and send them along their merry way. What’s the worst that can happen?
A vow to myself. Respect the hours of hard work that I put in…by taking the next step when I have a completed manuscript. See things through. Stop detaching from everything. Writing has been very very good to me. It’s time to take the foot out of the horse’s face and give it a little pet. Horses won’t stand there forever and allow a person to keep kicking them. Sooner or later, the horse is gonna say, “Screw it!” I don’t want it to come to that. I want an amicable relationship with this horse. Time to put my foot down and get down to business!
My grandson, enjoying my latest published book, Sebastian’s Poet!
Sometimes deadlines are made to be broken. Okay, not really. But if you notice you’re breaking them, it’s time to stop collecting them. That’s just what I’m about to do.
I have been extremely fortunate with my Muskoka Novel Marathon experiences. I’ve participated four times, and I’ve won Best Novel Award four times (2007-Sebastian’s Poet, 2008-The Reasons, 2010-Half Dead & Fully Broken, 2011-That’s Me in the Corner). The winning manuscripts get sent to the desk of a publisher for both consideration & feedback. This is a huge opportunity. I’ve had great feedback on my manuscripts over the years.
My problem this year is that deadlines and commitments are converging. I’m trying not to look a gift-horse in the mouth, but his outrageously large teeth seem to be right at eye level at the moment. I now have 20 days to pound my winning manuscript into top form before it moves on to Red Deer Press for feedback/consideration. I’m still sitting at between 1/2 and 3/4 of a novel. You heard correctly…this is the first year I didn’t completely finish my first draft at the actual marathon. And I’ve had 3 months to complete it since the marathon took place. I was so absolutely sure my manuscript wouldn’t win this time around that I hardly worked on it between marathon time (July) and wrap-party time (in September, when the winners are announced).
I was going to find time to marathon the last 1/2 of the novel on my own. But two of the last three weekends before the November 1st deadline are already spoken for, and the 3rd weekend is three days before the deadline. I do believe my goose is cooked either way I look at it. I might be able to marathon the rest of the manuscript on the weekend of the 28th, but it gives me no time to take advantage of the marathon appointed editor to give it a final polish before it goes on to the publisher. The pressure is killing me.
But, boy did I ever digress. I was going to talk about deadlines and getting rid of them when life gets too full.
I missed a deadline a couple of weeks ago. It was like a stabby shot to the heart. And not only did I miss it once, but I was given a grace period second deadline and I missed it too! I HATE missing deadlines. It was for a Wordweaver (WCDR Newsletter) article on writing dialogue. The thing is, not only did I have SO much going on at the time…but I also struggled with the content of the article. It was one of those things–I know how to do it, but I can’t figure out how to explain it to someone else! Have you ever milked a cow? It looks really easy. And when someone is sitting there showing you how to do it, it looks so simple you get all cocky before it’s your turn to do it. Then you sit on that freakish three-legged stool (which in itself is a test. I think the Buddha himself created the three-legged stool…just to see if people were paying attention.) to give it a go and BAMMO! It’s not as easy as it looks. You pull and pull and pull…but that bloody udder won’t give you a drop. And the cow resents the hell out of your stupidity, too. She mocks you with a few growls and moans (or, if you prefer, MOOS). And, yes, I swear I even recall hearing a cow laugh. But then, with practice and discipline you figure it out…you realize there’s a real finesse to getting that milk to come. And then you sit there on your three-legged stool and you don’t fall over and you don’t tip the pail and you actually get a good portion of milk to come out. You’re a milker! BUT…then you try to tell someone else how to do it and you return to being your helpless self. Because you tell them, “Like this…see” and they fall off the stool and tell you, “this cow’s empty” because they can’t get the milk to come. It’s a vicious circle. DO is so much easier than TEACH.
Wow… okay. So much for staying on task. DEADLINES. I’m giving everything up for a little bit. I will see if I can’t get the marathon novel into submission readiness by November 1st, but after that I’m going to make no commitments. I seem to be living life lately…too busy for this huge train of a hobby that has somehow become such an integral part of my life. I can’t make writing commitments if I’m not meeting deadlines. I am anal about things like that.
Besides, life is so interesting and fulfilling at the moment. There are times when you just have to jump in and have fun. Put the writing away for a spell (is it true that only old people use the word spell in that context?).
My daughter is getting married on Saturday (Oct 15th) and the following Saturday I am going on a short trip of discovery to Ohio. I am SO looking forward to this wedding…I’ve seen the dress. She’s going to be the perfect bride. And we are getting an amazing son-in-law. It’s all good. I don’t want distractions. I don’t want deadlines bickering in the back of my mind for attention. So I’m just going to ignore the not-gonna-make-the-deadline-guilt that I’ve been feeling lately. I have to. Because sometimes, when life gets in the way, you have to take the leap…and get into life!
I don’t know why I wrote that title. I have a hammer. I have three hammers. If I had a hammer, I guess I would hit a few things…maybe even crush them to rubble. But not to release hostility…just to see them crumble.
It’s a new year and I don’t know what direction my writing is going to take me in during this year of our lawd, 2011. What it has shown to be so far is a year of holding patterns. Or, at least a month of holding patterns. Here are the things I am waiting on:
1. I recently received an invitation to participate in the 2011 Trafalgar 24 Play Creation Festival. The invitation is not a guarantee that I will be one of the event’s 6 chosen playwrights…it’s just a formal invitation for me to submit my intent. I have replied to the invitation by pleading to be considered for the role. During previous festivals, there were actually 10 playwrights, so with 4 less spots to fill…the competition has really heated up. So…I sit. I wait. I pray. By the 25th of January, I will know if I get to participate again this year. This playwriting gig has quickly become my favourite writing project. If I receive an acceptance to participate this year, it will be my 3rd play. I learned a lot writing for this festival (in 2009 and in 2010)…it was where I honed my passion for playwriting. Where I saw my first play come to life in the very unique setting of an 18th century castle basement. Here’s hoping!
2. Just before the New Year, I mailed off two copies of the contract I received from ‘my’ literary agent. I am now in a holding pattern awaiting the signed returned contract from the agent. At that point, I will finally be able to say that I have agent representation. It’s been a couple of weeks now, but I have to take into account the holiday season as well. Soon. Soon it will come. Holding patterns suck.
3. Half Dead & Fully Broken. That’s the title of the YOUNG ADULT NOVEL I wrote during the 2010 Muskoka Novel Marathon this past July. The novel went on to receive the Best Young Adult Novel Award for the marathon. It is now in the hands of my DREAM publisher. They have had it for almost two months now…so I should be hearing back from them very soon. Will they like it??? I don’t know. I’m dying to find out. It’s one of the few novels that I wrote that I feel okay about…so it will be interesting to get feedback from said publisher (who shall at this point remain nameless). This is yet another holding pattern.
4. My YOUNG ADULT NOVEL Summer on Fire is due to be released by Museitup Publishing out of Montreal this coming July. July is a long time away! This is truly a well oiled holding pattern. I signed the contract in July 2010. Edits. Cover. Etc. And much worrying. Will people like it? Who knows. I can’t wait for its release…but it also has me pulling my hair out with worry. Please like me, said the writer. Once it’s out…that’ll be it. No turning back.
5. The 2011 Ontario Writers’ Conference is almost here. It will take place in Ajax on APRIL 30th. Myself and eight very good friends have organized this event…with much excitement. Now that the registrations are being taken, the excitement builds. The workshop presenters are booked, the keynote speakers are booked, the agents and mentors and panelists…they’re all booked. It’s just a matter of fine-tuning the festival and watching as the date draws nearer on the calendar. CAN’T. WAIT. Oh…and WAYSON is booked. Yes…you too can enter the Church of Wayson on April 30th…all you need to do is register for the conference.
6. There is no six. Six is me. I have myself in a holding pattern while I await these things. I’m dying to participate in the Trafalgar24 event as an agented soon to be published novelist. I’m so strung out by everything that I have not been writing. Yes. I’m taking a break. Maybe getting these issues resolved will help me to move forward and start my 2011 writing life. No. I don’t have writer’s block. I don’t believe in writer’s block. I’m just chillaxing.
KEVIN CRAIG 